He’s here, he’s there, he’s every f*cking where, he’s Roy Kent. And here are the best Roy Kent quotes season 2.
He’s the loveable rogue that had you at f*ck off, as you wondered if you were watching Roy Keane, Roy Kent, or a hybrid of both on TV. No need to ask who is Roy Kent based on!
Such is the draw of the breakout character of Ted Lasso Apple TV’s major hit, that we’ve dedicated a whole feature to the footballer-turned-coach, laying down some of his best quotes.
For a man of remarkably few words, Kent has captured the heart of the nation, with his epic one-liners and no-holds-barred commentary. So, join us as we smother ourselves in a Roy Kent jersey and relive some of his best Roy Kent quotes from Season 2 so far.
Best Roy Kent Quotes Season 2 (so far)
Episode 1 – Goodbye Earl
As if you needed any further evidence that Kent was all heart, we fell in love with him a little more when he says to Rebecca…
“You deserve someone who makes you feel like you’ve been struck by lightning. Don’t you dare settle for fine.”
But before you worry that he’s going all soft, he brings it back with a reliable Kent classic…
“You play like that next week, you can kiss the trophy goodbye, ’cause today, you all played like a bunch of little pricks! You hear me?
Episode 2 – Lavender
Every now and then, there’s a rare vulnerability to Kent, that allows itself to seep out. Only momentarily, and then he’s back to the ‘Roy Keane, Roy Kent ‘ hybrid model.
In Episode 2 Kent jostles with punditry and confesses:
“Felt good to be back around the game”
Later, when former enemy Jamie Carragher sends him flowers, he brings all the laughs with:
” How the f*ck does he know I love white orchids?”
Episode 3 – Do the Right-est Thing
Ted Lasso is littered with tender moments that manage to bring heart and humour in just the right dose. Case in hand, Roy is having a heart-to-heart with club owner Rebecca, when he shares his much-loved words of wisdom about children…
“Look, most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It’s bullshit… Truth is they just wanna feel like they’re part of our lives. Little idiots.”
Later on, we’re treated to the brilliance of Roy Kent as a pundit, adding:
“Jamie Tartt is a muppet. And I hope he dies of the incurable condition of being a little bitch.”
Episode 4 – Carol of the Bells
In what feels like a ‘filler’ episode, we see the Ted Lasso 2 cast celebrate Christmas. With festive overload and good tidings throughout. We can at least rely on Kent to bring the laughs.
As we get ready for the Roy-Keeley ‘sexy Christmas’, Kent utters the words all women want to hear from, when he says:
“Holy f*cking shit, you look incredible”
Making Keeley, quite possibly the luckiest woman on earth. And in a timely reminder, why we love him so much, he then goes on to say to niece Phoebe:
“What have you got to be sad about? Did one of the Paw Patrol dogs die?”
Episode 5 – Rainbow
In an episode packed with cheesy lines from rom-com movies, Roy Kent makes some of his greatest quotes of season 2:
The moment Roy give Issac a serve about the joys
“I brought you here to remind you that football is a f*cking game that you used to play as a f*cking kid. Cause it was fun, even when you were getting your f*cking legs broken. or your f*cking feelings hurt. So f*ck your feelings, f*ck your over thinking, f*ck all that bullshit, go back out there and have some f*cking fun.”
“Too many f*cks?”
Just when you thought Ted may have sold Roy on becoming a coach.
Ted: “You complete our team.”
Roy: “You’re an *sshole.”
And then the final moment Roy realises that he was meant to be a coach!
“Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at Coach.”
Episode 6 – The Signal
Back to the pitch, and Kent is giving us pure commentary gold. Who else could pull off this line without p*ssing off an entire team:
“Head down, f*cking whip it. … Bumbercatch, great pass, but it don’t’ mean shit if they see it coming. The rest of you in the box, when the shot goes, you f*cking follow it in.”
Also, in a moment of deep psychological insight, that distinguishes Kent from just being a player, he sums up why Jamie Tartt needs to play like a pr*ck…
“Deep down, at your core, you’re a prick. So just be a prick. We need you to score more goals and we need you to get in the other teams’ f*cking heads and drive them up the f*cking wall like only you can f*cking do.… “
Episode 7 – Headspace
Strolling around in his Roy Kent jersey, it’s hard to imagine Roy anything but Alpha male. So when he finds out that he might be considered a ‘clingy’ boyfriend, he’s distraught, announcing:
“You’ve been making out to everyone like I’m following you around, like a needy, clingy f*cking fridge magnet? I’m an idiot. Oh, f*ck this!”
Never one to mince his words, we later see the couple make-up, with one of our favourite lines from the series so
“Babe, I think you’re the cat’s pyjamas, but your feet are a f*cking state.”
Episode 8 – Man City
By now, you’ll know that Kent is a father-figure to his niece Phoebe. So, when invited into the school for parent’s evening, he doesn’t hold back when talking about her absent father, explaining…
“He’s a piece of shit… sorry yeah, he’s a very alive piece of shit.”
Aware of his salty language in front of his school-age niece, he does his best to curtail it, saying:
“F*ck no! Sorry. F no.”
It’s progress at least.
In this difficult episode, where we see Richmond AFC lose against Man City in the FA Cup final, we meet Jamie Tartt’s father. Giving his son a barrage of abuse in the dressing room, Jamie smacks him flat out, before standing there silently.
Roy Kent saunters over to distraught Tartt and gives him a man hug that speaks volumes.
Sometimes there are no words.
Episode 9 – Beard after hours
In an episode all about Coach Beard, there wasn’t much screen time for our favourite Roy Kent, but he was still able to squeeze in a few notable Roy Kent quotes right at the end of the episode.
When Coach Beard explains the bruises on his face are from sleeping too late and falling off his bead.
“Oh, right. Yeah, no. That’s a thing…”
Roy describing the Man City game the only way he knows.
Episode 10 – No Weddings And A Funeral
Straight-shooting Roy had a few things to say in episode 10 attending the funeral of Rebecca’s father.
Keeley: So where do you think her father is right now?
Roy: In the drawer of a funeral home.
Keeley: No. I mean, like, spiritually.
Roy: In the drawer of a funeral home.
When everyone is discussing what happens after death and Roy was a man of few words after Coach Beard suggested that there is a weight to your soul.
Coach Beard: You know, if you weigh a person’s body right after death, it’s 21.3 grams lighter, and some say that’s the weight of the soul.
Roy: Whoever figured that out clearly weighed someone, murdered them, then weighed them again. You live, you die, you’re done. Good night.
When your fruit tastes like dead people.
Roy: This apple tastes like dead people.
Episode 11 – Midnight Train to Royston
This was an episode used to set the season finale up, however, Roy was able to deliver with his short amount of time on screen.
The fact Roy is unaware that his eyebrows are crazy.
Oi! Are my eyebrows crazy?
Then on top of that he’s told he has to wear all black.
Nate: You’re always wearing black.
Roy: This isn’t black. This is dark heather charcoal.
Episode 12 – Inverting The Pyramid Of Success
The season finale lived up to the billing with Roy providing some quality lines throughout.
When telling Keeley about how Jamie apologised to him for telling Keeley he still loved her, Keeley asked Roy what he did to Jamie.
Keeley: Did you murder him?
Roy: No. Worse. I f@#king forgave him. It’s disgusting innit.
The moment when Roy becomes a Diamond Dog for a minute.
Ted: Roy, are you saying you want to become a Diamond Dog?
Roy: F@#k no! I’m just saying I wouldn’t mind being in the room whilst it f@#king happens.
Roy then goes on to explain the issue and how it made him feel.
Roy: It hurt my feeling
Then Roy was surprised about the outcome of the Diamond Dogs
Roy: Wait. So sometimes the f@#king Diamond Dogs is just chatting about shit, and no one has to f@#king solve anything and nothing f@#king changes?
See also: Ted Lasso Greatest Moments Season 1
Stream now on Apple TV+.